Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tipi of the day

This is the ultimate clash in tastes and style. Somehow they pull it off, and I'm actually tempted to buy a Barbie® Doll. Gosh, that Registered symbol makes it look like “Barbier” instead of “Barbie.” I suppose it is Barbier. After all, that would be considered better, and this particular Barbie® Doll modeled after Tipi Hedren in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds is far better than any blonde bombshell Barbie I’ve ever seen.
Every dress should be acompanied by ravenous birds that want to kill you.
For due credit, I found it at Boing Boing.
But here’s the collector site.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Smarmy Clothes

Less mood, more mode. I have been inspired! I found this site: SmarmyClothes.com, and you HAVE to check it out. These are the punkiest, and most colorful hand-made clothes I've ever seen. I recommend you check it out, and buy something from them. Dress with a little gumption.
See them at Myspace too.

Check out this cool hand-bleached, hand-sewn dress. Not just a great idea. It was executed with the precision of a good mortician. Drop dead gorgeous.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Give them an inch, then twist

Sheesh. Give somebody an inch, huh? I have yet to see any company not take advantage of your need for their service. You name it, they’ll take you for all you’ve got. No need for specifics here.
It’s time we let them know we will go elsewhere (when we aren’t forced by monopolies).
Give them and inch, they’ll take a mile. So from now on, give them an inch, and twist it so it hurts.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Return of the living girl monsters

Is it safe? Halloween is over, right?

I wish people would not associate me with that horrid holiday. Have humans forgotten the meaning of Halloween? I’m a demon girl. Your human Halloween is the day to scare off evil spirits and demons. Well, I’m scared. Of your costume parties where you dress as a sexy nurse or Batman. Who the heck are you warding off? Sequels and harlots, I suppose.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Prepay = Delay

New lessons are learned every day. Each one makes me more cynical. Lesson #7,734: Don’t prepay for anything. You think you’re doing the right thing, but in reality if it’s goods, they will arrive when they feel like; and if it’s services it will turn into the worst service possible.
Money is like the carrot on a stick. Don’t give money to the donkey ass
or he’ll forget why he got it in the first place.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Chiller Theater Returns!!!

I haven’t posted in a while; but, hey, I get all kinds of busy before Halloween.

Heads up if you are in the NY area, or get WPIX Channel 11, they are bringing back Chiller Theater! Remember that six fingered hand that emerged from a puddle of blood to eat the letters in “CHILLER?” Then it would sink back down with that eerie “Chiller,” voice. Well, I don’t, you old coot. I’m still young and pretty.

Here’s a link to the Channel 11 WPIX announcement:

Also, here’s a link to the original Chiller opening:

We all know all YouTube links don’t necessarily last, so here’s a search for more:

Thursday, September 11, 2008

It’s not the heat

It’s great to finally feel some of this humidity go away. I mean the ignorance that I have to deal with on a daily basis leaves me flabbergasted. Wait… what? Oh, did I say humidity? It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Someone couture than me

I don’t know much how to dress. I just look for dresses with holes in the back so my wings are more comfortable. And I’m not much of a fashionista. You’ll find me happy (or the demon equivalent) with a plain black or purple outfit. A little pink is nice too.

If I was going to consult with a designer, Cassandra would be the one. Her Goth Girl Fashions are beautiful romantic reflections of her talent. The detail that goes into her work is phenomenal! And the influences are far more than simple Gothic style. She weaves in her own mix of Asian and Victorian along with the ever-effective and beautiful human skull.

Click for Cassandra’s work.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Take the bitter with the tweet

I can’t stress enough the importance of sleep. Getting enough Zs make you beautiful. Skipping on sleep is just going to make you cranky — ugly on the inside and on the outside.
When I sleep I like to wake up without an alarm so I wake up naturally. If only those stupid birds outside would stop squawking. They call that music?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Lovely leather we’re having

I did a search online to find out how to clean leather so that I wouldn’t have to get my jacket cleaned professionally. Let me just warn you, it’s worth getting it done professionally.
The advice I found was to mix 1 part vinegar with 2 parts linseed oil. Rub that mixture on the leather and let it sit over night before rubbing it off with a dry lint-free cloth. Well I never got around to the second part.
Think about it. Vinegar and oil? Sounds like a salad. Smells like a marinade. It was delicious.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Two-face jokers

Two-face friends. Everyone knows one. They talk smack about you behind your back, and smile pretty full of compliments when you’re together. There’s enough drama in life (and undead life) that we don’t need to artificially add to this. Let’s make a pact. Human or monster. If you’ve got a two-face joker for a friend just flip a coin. Heads you drop them like a hot potato, and tails you stick their face in potato salad.

Friday, August 1, 2008

So long, and angst for all the fish

If you are a moody, angst-ridden teenager, take heart, and tell your parents to get off your back. You mind is developing, and your mood swings and emo feelings are part of that process. Own it. Then as soon as you can, get over it, you big, fat baby.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Vampires rights out of left field

My sister LilyBat is definitely going to be watching this show (whatever it is). Looks like HBO is starting an ad campaign for a show about vampires living in modern society. Sounds a lot like the situation in the Charlaine Harris novels that goody two-shoes Abby Cadaver reads.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Wrinkles in time

You might be young now, but watch out for the sun. It will age you in time. It’s great if you start using some kind of sunblock early. You want to look young for as long as you can — especially if you are immortal like me. 90% of wrinkles are caused by ultra-violet exposure from the sun. The other 10% of wrinkles are caused by lazy people who sit in the dryer too long before folding.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Gender contender

I can see by my new pole, that the information therein will be very helpful. I’ve always known that boys are stinky losers, and I’m pleased to see so far only girls and women are reading my blog. Men wouldn’t understand it anyway.
Feel free to slap this graphic on your page to make boys stay away!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

What color accent POLL RESULTS

What color do you accent black with?

35% • Purple
22% • Red
14% • Pink
10% • What accent? (just black!)
8% • Blue
4% • Green
4% • Something else

I like these stats!

Avoid the squeeze and pop

Remember, people! Acne brand pimples should never be pinched, picked or squeezed. Feel free to pinch, pick or squeeze your butt, but please keep your hands away from those pimples! They are like weeds in your garden with alien roots.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Long in the tooth, short in the bus

Everyone knows this. Wearing your Bluetooth phone device on your head while not in use is like wearing a big fat earing that says, “I’m a pretentious goofball.” The Bluetooth headset, however much it set you back is not the status symbol you want it to be. It shows that your status is stupid.
At least you won’t get brain cancer. The wireless waves bouncing around inside your skull will echo forever before they find any gray matter.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Little Mercat

There was once a advertising tag line for swim-wear that said, “If you can’t drive a Jaguar, wear one.” I don’t know if that’s condescending or ignorant. Whichever it it, it’s not very clever. Bathing suits with animal prints first appeared in the 1950s. Cats in water. That makes sense. Then again, I can’t imagine that fish scales would be very attractive.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The buzz on bee pollen

I recently bzzt came across a suggestion for my allergies (yes, monsters get allergies). Bee pollen. At first I was all for it because bzzt I love honey, and if a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, a spoonful of honey is sure to do the trick too.
You have to take bzzt the bee pollen for several weeks before your allergy season starts, so I’m preparing early. My seasons pop up all year long, so I’m bzzt taking it all the time. It’s supposed to be good for you in so many more ways (just google it), but it tastes terrible. Raw honey can have bee pollen in it is de-lish, but plain bee pollen is just those little bzzt yellow balls that collect on bees’ legs when they go from flower to flower. They fall off the bees’ legs in the hive, and are bzzt collected and sold.
Well, that’s not so appetizing until you find out bzzt some of the pollen balls still have the legs attached. Now I take it every day just for the chance that I’ll get the delicious bee leg surprise!


Thursday, June 19, 2008

Holding patterns

I’ll tell you why I don’t like to fly commercially. The wings on my back can only take me so far. Trying to fly to another state with them would be like a human mortal walking from New York to Florida. Commercial airlines seem to be hep to this, so they take advantage, and have zero consideration for us as customers.
It’s bad enough it’s bags cost more to fly, and we have to go through idiotic security measures. Why is it flights are always delayed, and when you actually arrive 30,000 feet above your destination you’re stuck in holding patterns due to runway crowding and weather restrictions?
The up and down made my ears clog, and now I can’t hear myself think. Good thing too, because I think what I’m thinking are very bad words. You should see the subtitles in my mind.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Blood, sweat and fears

OMG, summer’s not even here yet, and it’s so hot! I found this tidbit of info on CNN’s website: A pea-sized bead of sweat can cool nearly 1 liter (about 1 quart) of blood 1 degree Fahrenheit.
That can’t be true. The blood on my fangs is pretty warm, and there was a lot of sweat involved in procuring it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Get down, and get frizzy

These humid days are taking a toll on my hair. I can’t seem to escape the frizzies (or my annoying zombie neighbors). Here’s something I found out that works. During humid months, shampoo less often, and when you do leave the conditioner in longer. Also try combing hair out before wetting it, and just “finger combing” when it’s wet. Wet hair tends to break easier. Hair is strongest when it’s dry. That’s why they put your hair in a bun when you go to the guillotine.

Monday, June 9, 2008

I think, therefore they stink

My friends tell me not to worry about what other people think. I’m not sure that I do, but that’s what they think. Then they go and see the Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum without me. What were they thinking? What am I supposed to think?
I think they’re just jealous of me, and don’t want to be seen around a monster that’s prettier and smarter than they are. I can go the Takashi Murakami exhibit myself :(

Friday, June 6, 2008

I’m a deviant portrait

Sniffles have kept me away from people, so I’ve not had much to fuss about. After all, it’s people that do me in! Sorry for the blogging absence.
Well, back at it! I’m not sure what JITTERBUTTER™ is. Management’s not telling me much. But check out my adorable portrait that you can buy on deviantArt! Comes in many sizes. I hope you get one for yourself!

Clicky here!

Oh, the other girl monsters are there too. Not worth seeing though. Click if you want.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Hey, mister coffee bean man

Open note to people who count calories: Nobody cares that you count calories. When I’m in my local cafe trying to enjoy a morning soy almond zen cappuccino with lots of sugar and foam, I’m not interested in hearing how many calories are in it. Neither is the barista. If you had any awareness, you’d notice eyes rolling everywhere around you. We’re all looking at you, just like you wanted, but you’re making us all dizzy.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Cold feet on cold feat

I’ve got a case of the sniffles. I’ve heard a ton of strange remedies for treating a cold, but this one takes the cake: Warm your feet in hot water while soaking a thin pair of socks in cold water. Wring out the socks and put the cold socks on your warm feet. Put a pair of thick, dry socks over those, and head straight to bed. Supposedly, the wet socks draw your blood to your feet making your circulation work more efficiently, and helping with congestion. I’m not sure I’ll try it because it sounds so off-the-wall.
I’m interested to hear in the comments. Tell me the weirdest cold remedies you’ve heard of.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Annie Lennox, where are you?

You know the old saying, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.” I’ve been wondering lately if that should be revised to “If you want something done at all you have to do it yourself.”

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Frankly, mint

Someone gave me one of those little tins of mints today. Not as a hint, cheeky monkey; they were those novelty mints that say something silly or sarcastic, and have a fun shape or picture. Notice I’m not telling you what they were because it’s simply not your business.
Anyway, why are those mints so addictive? I ended up eating one after the other like popcorn. I ended up eating the entire tin. I’m either going to have the mintiest breath in Dread Falls or the worst stomach ache in demonic history.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Hold the malaise

The miserable weather recently has contributed to my malaise more than usual. They must be seeding the clouds with angst and trepidation. I feel like it may continue raining for the rest of my post life.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Rise and gargle… then shine

Early to bed, early to rise makes a girl bitter that she missed the evening hours. Being kissed by the morning sun isn’t as nice as it sounds. The sun’s got morning breath.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Ramble on the bleach

Let it be known: There is not much you can do with bleached hair. Just ask Gwen Stefani. Aside from a pink streak now and then, her hair is never going to be anything other than bleached blond. The bleach leaked through her follicles and into her brain affecting her music. It even caused her to go mainstream. Cleaned the talent right out of her head.
The moral: If you bleach your hair so light light that it can’t get any whiter, soon it’s going to be invisible. In other words, you’ll go bald.
Careful with that bleach, or you might want to put it in your eyes so you can’t see your hideous self.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Rain, rain go away - Don’t bother coming back

Does rain make your hair frizzy too? I have to keep my head in a plastic bag when it rains, but it sure makes it hard to breath. Anyone have a any suggestions?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

You’ve goth to be kidding me

It has been mentioned to me that I might be Goth. Um, I don’t think so. I’m a demon, or a demoniac if you’re nasty. Goth is a label, and I don’t care for labels. It’s not that I have a problem with Goths. They’re usually friendly to me, and they’re delicious.
Apparently, (according to some nameless numskull) you might be goth if you think anything looks prettier dead than alive. I’m sure they were referring to flowers and poodles, which go without saying, are definitely much prettier dead than alive. But it’s not a universal rule. I mean, I’m not dead… I’m not alive either. Some like to say undead, but that’s just my sister’s definition. Some like to say reanimated, but that’s her dorky friend’s position. And of course, some don’t have all the parts that are required to define life (though I hear she likes to eat them).
Besides all this. If you don’t think I’m pretty as is, maybe you are the weird one. Or maybe you just want to die.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The plain, the plain.

I keep seeing people with uninspired, trendy tattoos. What’s with that? Don’t they know these things are permanent? You better really like any art you choose to put on your skin. A tribal razor wire band is not parachute pants. You can’t pretend you never wore it. Besides, getting something that all the other trendies have is plain and boring.
If you are going to get inked, why not try something that is near and dear to you? An image of something that is very important to you will mean so much more in the long run. Just make sure it’s something you feel a lifelong connection to. Don’t forget our tastes change. How would you explain to your chums that tat you sport of the snuggle bear you held when you were just a tot?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Examine your Automatic, Continous Clothing Closure

There are several patents for variations on the zipper with such commercially catchy names as Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure, Clasp Locker, Judson C-curity Fastener, and Separable Fastener. They date back to the late 19th century and early 20th century. Thank goodness the zipper was eventually perfected. Well maybe not perfected. Sometimes when I tell people to “Zip it,” I wish it was permanent. Maybe I should say, “Weld it!”

Friday, May 9, 2008

Pink instinct

They say girls and women who like pink tend to be maternal. What a load of bunk! I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love kids as much as anyone. They’re a lot less filling than adults.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The color of envy

Being an individual is as easy as being yourself. Don’t let the rules of any subculture or counterculture sway you do do anything you don’t want to do. Wear what you want, and do what you want. If you waste time and energy being the way others want you to be you never get to be yourself. Don’t listen to others if they call you a poser, either. Chances are, they are the real posers.
The bottom line is if you want pink hair but your friend thinks that’s too trendy they are probably jealous they didn’t think of it first. Be sensitive, and explain this to them. When they see it your way, offer to help them dye their hair pink. When it’s done you can laugh at them and call them trendy. Then dye your own hair green.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Pollen want a cracker

It’s annoying enough that we have to breath the pollen of all those ugly flowers; have you ever gotten pollen on your clothes? It's like leech flower with grappling hooks and spurs. If you run into the problem of getting pollen on your clothes don’t try to rub it off or put water on it. Use tape. Get a piece of tape, and carefully wrap it around your head so it covers your eyes. You won’t see the stain at all. This works for allergies too. Try covering your nose and mouth. It’s another solution to sneezing and runny nose.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Deoder rant

B.O. or body odor can be a real problem when you’re trying to quietly survive your commute on the metro. Hasn’t everyone heard of deodorant yet? How about a little consideration to those around you?
Fashion tip #697: When choosing to not shave the pits, and neglecting to cover up with a roll-on, solid stick or spray please, please, please don’t wear a tank top in the close confines of a standing-room-only train car.
Next time consider a rain coat because if I can’t manage to hold my breath until the next station my head might explode.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Bikini meeni miney mo

Beach weather is on its way. If you’re into wearing a bikini, it’s good to know a little about it. The first bikini was introduced in 1946. It was described as “a two-piece bathing suit that reveals everything about a girl except her mother’s maiden name.”
Considering the modest look of the early bikini compared to what you see today it’s no wonder identity theft is so rampant.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Slay fever

So many people have allergies right now. Post-nasal drip, itchy eyes, lungs filled with pollen — these are just a few of the tortures some have to go through. I’ve got a cure. Hold your head under water for the next three weeks. I guarantee you won’t sneeze once.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dungeon know sun is bad?

Did you know that overexposure to the sun before the age of 18 is the most damaging to the skin? That’s why I believe that if you are not nocturnal you should be locked away in a closet. Then when you are 18 you can be transferred to a dungeon. Health and safety first, I always say.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Complexion convection

I just got back from a weekend in Flo-horror-da. Thank goodness for shade and air conditioning. I noticed everyone was tan as leather, and slaves of the weather. So in reminiscentia to being so close to the edge of purgatory, and being kissed by a cruel, smoochy sun — I give you this article I found on the history of tanning.
Be sure to shake some salt and pepper on your skin after you oil up. No sense in being bland just because you’re boring ;)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Showers are like negative calories

Here’s a cold, hard fact to give you the willies: Did you know that 10% of your body weight is from microorganisms living on your body? How about instead of putting down that dough-nut, you just take bath, you smelly pig.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Killer accents give you voice

I have a bit of fashion advice for anyone who wears a top that does not cover their neck. Especially if the neckline is quite low, you’ll need to accessorize. Try wearing an old ribbon or collar. Even a silver choker, or black fabric works. Spikes and leather are cool too. The bottom line is your neck should never be exposed to possible vampire attacks. Ribbons are also good for covering the stitches where your head was sewn back on.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

On the blink

The average human blinks around 6 million times a year. Unless their eyes are held open with clothes pins. Then the number is significantly lower.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Frog leg massacre

In Egypt and Rome 3000 years ago hair dyes were made from cows’ blood, and from crushed tadpoles in warm oil. How naive is that? They didn’t even bother waiting for the frogs to grow up when they have much more blood.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Demonic nasal drip

Piercings are nothing new. For centuries the ears, nose, and belly have been pierced for superstitious reasons. It was thought that piercings released demons from the body. I once fell out of someone’s nose, but landed right back in their belly.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Return of the living dyed

When dying your hair be aware that red can be the most fussy color. Not only does it fade the easiest, but it can be the hardest to get out. Don’t try to do it yourself when you move to another color or the red may keep coming back. Go to your stylist or hairdresser. Many are also registered and qualified to perform exorcisms.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Cornish humor

My favorite hat, the “Pork Pie” hat originated some time in the mid 1800’s. It was named for the resemblance to a pork pie which is a type of meat pie that is a staple of British food. Americans have a similar pie. They call it a pot pie, of which the “chicken pot pie” is most popular. I bet the pork pie hat wouldn’t be so popular if it was called the chicken pot pie hat.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The stocking market is not on Wall Street

Nylon stockings were invented in 1938, but they didn’t go up for sale until 1940. You’d think someone would have bought them by now.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Ash Wednesday

When looking for hair dye, check the ingredients. Don’t use a dye with “ash” in it. You’ll end up with an unnatural gray tint. Besides, you don’t know whose ashes they are.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Nutty hair colors

Ancient Romans had as many as 100 different formulas of hair dye. Some of these formulas used charred eggs, leeches and walnut shells. Walnut shells are still used to this day in modern formulas. This brings me to the question: Who decided it was a good idea to dye pistachio shells red? And how do they make that dye?
I’m always wondering how to make this dye, and how to make that dye ;)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Silly, um… cilium

Seena Owen

False eyelashes were invented for producer D.W. Griffith. He wanted something to enhance Seena Owen’s eyes for his 1916 film, Intolerance. A bit of irony there? I guess sometimes through narrow-mindedness, we can still achieve innovation worth appreciating.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

One heart and lung sandwich, hold the breath

A girl’s left lung is smaller than her right lung to make room for her heart. The lung thing goes the same for boys, but apparently it’s for no reason whatsoever.

Friday, April 4, 2008

What’s the gray matter, baby?

The left side of a girl’s brain controls the right side of her body & vice-versa. So keep your eyes on her brain, or you could get a smack from either direction.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Snooty is only skin deep

People keep calling me snarky. They have weird accents, though. It’s pronounced prit-ē. P-R-E-T-T-Y.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Vascular system or hollow container

Girl’s bodies contain about 50,000 miles of blood vessels. This goes for boys as well, but none of them go the their brains.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Girls smell, boys stink

Girls’ noses can sense smell best when they are about 10 years old. That’s why they notice smelly boys faster than adults.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Snug as a bug in a chug

Each year you swallow about 14 insects in your sleep. Now you just have to figure out which night it happens and stay up. They’ll taste better if you’re awake.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Nice leather we’re having

Just a reminder to everyone who wears leather. Sure it's cool, but not always. Don’t forget leather comes from cows, and I have yet to meet a cool cow.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Boy Fact

More than 100 million microscopic critters live in a boy’s mouth, so unless you like to eat bugs, kissing these fiends is out of the question.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Girl Fact

Girls have about 100,000 hairs on their head, and they all deserve to dye ;)