Long in the tooth, short in the bus

Everyone knows this. Wearing your Bluetooth phone device on your head while not in use is like wearing a big fat earing that says, “I’m a pretentious goofball.” The Bluetooth headset, however much it set you back is not the status symbol you want it to be. It shows that your status is stupid.
At least you won’t get brain cancer. The wireless waves bouncing around inside your skull will echo forever before they find any gray matter.

The Little Mercat

There was once a advertising tag line for swim-wear that said, “If you can’t drive a Jaguar, wear one.” I don’t know if that’s condescending or ignorant. Whichever it it, it’s not very clever. Bathing suits with animal prints first appeared in the 1950s. Cats in water. That makes sense. Then again, I can’t imagine that fish scales would be very attractive.

The buzz on bee pollen

I recently bzzt came across a suggestion for my allergies (yes, monsters get allergies). Bee pollen. At first I was all for it because bzzt I love honey, and if a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, a spoonful of honey is sure to do the trick too.
You have to take bzzt the bee pollen for several weeks before your allergy season starts, so I’m preparing early. My seasons pop up all year long, so I’m bzzt taking it all the time. It’s supposed to be good for you in so many more ways (just google it), but it tastes terrible. Raw honey can have bee pollen in it is de-lish, but plain bee pollen is just those little bzzt yellow balls that collect on bees’ legs when they go from flower to flower. They fall off the bees’ legs in the hive, and are bzzt collected and sold.
Well, that’s not so appetizing until you find out bzzt some of the pollen balls still have the legs attached. Now I take it every day just for the chance that I’ll get the delicious bee leg surprise!

bzzt

Holding patterns

I’ll tell you why I don’t like to fly commercially. The wings on my back can only take me so far. Trying to fly to another state with them would be like a human mortal walking from New York to Florida. Commercial airlines seem to be hep to this, so they take advantage, and have zero consideration for us as customers.
It’s bad enough it’s bags cost more to fly, and we have to go through idiotic security measures. Why is it flights are always delayed, and when you actually arrive 30,000 feet above your destination you’re stuck in holding patterns due to runway crowding and weather restrictions?
The up and down made my ears clog, and now I can’t hear myself think. Good thing too, because I think what I’m thinking are very bad words. You should see the subtitles in my mind.

Blood, sweat and fears

OMG, summer’s not even here yet, and it’s so hot! I found this tidbit of info on CNN’s website: A pea-sized bead of sweat can cool nearly 1 liter (about 1 quart) of blood 1 degree Fahrenheit.
That can’t be true. The blood on my fangs is pretty warm, and there was a lot of sweat involved in procuring it.

Get down, and get frizzy

These humid days are taking a toll on my hair. I can’t seem to escape the frizzies (or my annoying zombie neighbors). Here’s something I found out that works. During humid months, shampoo less often, and when you do leave the conditioner in longer. Also try combing hair out before wetting it, and just “finger combing” when it’s wet. Wet hair tends to break easier. Hair is strongest when it’s dry. That’s why they put your hair in a bun when you go to the guillotine.

I think, therefore they stink

My friends tell me not to worry about what other people think. I’m not sure that I do, but that’s what they think. Then they go and see the Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum without me. What were they thinking? What am I supposed to think?
I think they’re just jealous of me, and don’t want to be seen around a monster that’s prettier and smarter than they are. I can go the Takashi Murakami exhibit myself :(

I’m a deviant portrait

Sniffles have kept me away from people, so I’ve not had much to fuss about. After all, it’s people that do me in! Sorry for the blogging absence.
Well, back at it! I’m not sure what JITTERBUTTER™ is. Management’s not telling me much. But check out my adorable portrait that you can buy on deviantArt! Comes in many sizes. I hope you get one for yourself!

Clicky here!

Oh, the other girl monsters are there too. Not worth seeing though. Click if you want.

Hey, mister coffee bean man

Open note to people who count calories: Nobody cares that you count calories. When I’m in my local cafe trying to enjoy a morning soy almond zen cappuccino with lots of sugar and foam, I’m not interested in hearing how many calories are in it. Neither is the barista. If you had any awareness, you’d notice eyes rolling everywhere around you. We’re all looking at you, just like you wanted, but you’re making us all dizzy.

Cold feet on cold feat

I’ve got a case of the sniffles. I’ve heard a ton of strange remedies for treating a cold, but this one takes the cake: Warm your feet in hot water while soaking a thin pair of socks in cold water. Wring out the socks and put the cold socks on your warm feet. Put a pair of thick, dry socks over those, and head straight to bed. Supposedly, the wet socks draw your blood to your feet making your circulation work more efficiently, and helping with congestion. I’m not sure I’ll try it because it sounds so off-the-wall.
I’m interested to hear in the comments. Tell me the weirdest cold remedies you’ve heard of.

Annie Lennox, where are you?

You know the old saying, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.” I’ve been wondering lately if that should be revised to “If you want something done at all you have to do it yourself.”

Frankly, mint

Someone gave me one of those little tins of mints today. Not as a hint, cheeky monkey; they were those novelty mints that say something silly or sarcastic, and have a fun shape or picture. Notice I’m not telling you what they were because it’s simply not your business.
Anyway, why are those mints so addictive? I ended up eating one after the other like popcorn. I ended up eating the entire tin. I’m either going to have the mintiest breath in Dread Falls or the worst stomach ache in demonic history.

Hold the malaise

The miserable weather recently has contributed to my malaise more than usual. They must be seeding the clouds with angst and trepidation. I feel like it may continue raining for the rest of my post life.

Rise and gargle… then shine

Early to bed, early to rise makes a girl bitter that she missed the evening hours. Being kissed by the morning sun isn’t as nice as it sounds. The sun’s got morning breath.

Ramble on the bleach

Let it be known: There is not much you can do with bleached hair. Just ask Gwen Stefani. Aside from a pink streak now and then, her hair is never going to be anything other than bleached blond. The bleach leaked through her follicles and into her brain affecting her music. It even caused her to go mainstream. Cleaned the talent right out of her head.
The moral: If you bleach your hair so light light that it can’t get any whiter, soon it’s going to be invisible. In other words, you’ll go bald.
Careful with that bleach, or you might want to put it in your eyes so you can’t see your hideous self.

Rain, rain go away - Don’t bother coming back

Does rain make your hair frizzy too? I have to keep my head in a plastic bag when it rains, but it sure makes it hard to breath. Anyone have a any suggestions?

You’ve goth to be kidding me

It has been mentioned to me that I might be Goth. Um, I don’t think so. I’m a demon, or a demoniac if you’re nasty. Goth is a label, and I don’t care for labels. It’s not that I have a problem with Goths. They’re usually friendly to me, and they’re delicious.
Apparently, (according to some nameless numskull) you might be goth if you think anything looks prettier dead than alive. I’m sure they were referring to flowers and poodles, which go without saying, are definitely much prettier dead than alive. But it’s not a universal rule. I mean, I’m not dead… I’m not alive either. Some like to say undead, but that’s just my sister’s definition. Some like to say reanimated, but that’s her dorky friend’s position. And of course, some don’t have all the parts that are required to define life (though I hear she likes to eat them).
Besides all this. If you don’t think I’m pretty as is, maybe you are the weird one. Or maybe you just want to die.

The plain, the plain.

I keep seeing people with uninspired, trendy tattoos. What’s with that? Don’t they know these things are permanent? You better really like any art you choose to put on your skin. A tribal razor wire band is not parachute pants. You can’t pretend you never wore it. Besides, getting something that all the other trendies have is plain and boring.
If you are going to get inked, why not try something that is near and dear to you? An image of something that is very important to you will mean so much more in the long run. Just make sure it’s something you feel a lifelong connection to. Don’t forget our tastes change. How would you explain to your chums that tat you sport of the snuggle bear you held when you were just a tot?

Examine your Automatic, Continous Clothing Closure

There are several patents for variations on the zipper with such commercially catchy names as Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure, Clasp Locker, Judson C-curity Fastener, and Separable Fastener. They date back to the late 19th century and early 20th century. Thank goodness the zipper was eventually perfected. Well maybe not perfected. Sometimes when I tell people to “Zip it,” I wish it was permanent. Maybe I should say, “Weld it!”

Pink instinct

They say girls and women who like pink tend to be maternal. What a load of bunk! I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love kids as much as anyone. They’re a lot less filling than adults.

The color of envy

Being an individual is as easy as being yourself. Don’t let the rules of any subculture or counterculture sway you do do anything you don’t want to do. Wear what you want, and do what you want. If you waste time and energy being the way others want you to be you never get to be yourself. Don’t listen to others if they call you a poser, either. Chances are, they are the real posers.
The bottom line is if you want pink hair but your friend thinks that’s too trendy they are probably jealous they didn’t think of it first. Be sensitive, and explain this to them. When they see it your way, offer to help them dye their hair pink. When it’s done you can laugh at them and call them trendy. Then dye your own hair green.

Pollen want a cracker

It’s annoying enough that we have to breath the pollen of all those ugly flowers; have you ever gotten pollen on your clothes? It's like leech flower with grappling hooks and spurs. If you run into the problem of getting pollen on your clothes don’t try to rub it off or put water on it. Use tape. Get a piece of tape, and carefully wrap it around your head so it covers your eyes. You won’t see the stain at all. This works for allergies too. Try covering your nose and mouth. It’s another solution to sneezing and runny nose.

Deoder rant

B.O. or body odor can be a real problem when you’re trying to quietly survive your commute on the metro. Hasn’t everyone heard of deodorant yet? How about a little consideration to those around you?
Fashion tip #697: When choosing to not shave the pits, and neglecting to cover up with a roll-on, solid stick or spray please, please, please don’t wear a tank top in the close confines of a standing-room-only train car.
Next time consider a rain coat because if I can’t manage to hold my breath until the next station my head might explode.

Bikini meeni miney mo

Beach weather is on its way. If you’re into wearing a bikini, it’s good to know a little about it. The first bikini was introduced in 1946. It was described as “a two-piece bathing suit that reveals everything about a girl except her mother’s maiden name.”
Considering the modest look of the early bikini compared to what you see today it’s no wonder identity theft is so rampant.

Slay fever

So many people have allergies right now. Post-nasal drip, itchy eyes, lungs filled with pollen — these are just a few of the tortures some have to go through. I’ve got a cure. Hold your head under water for the next three weeks. I guarantee you won’t sneeze once.