Hey, mister coffee bean man

Open note to people who count calories: Nobody cares that you count calories. When I’m in my local cafe trying to enjoy a morning soy almond zen cappuccino with lots of sugar and foam, I’m not interested in hearing how many calories are in it. Neither is the barista. If you had any awareness, you’d notice eyes rolling everywhere around you. We’re all looking at you, just like you wanted, but you’re making us all dizzy.

Cold feet on cold feat

I’ve got a case of the sniffles. I’ve heard a ton of strange remedies for treating a cold, but this one takes the cake: Warm your feet in hot water while soaking a thin pair of socks in cold water. Wring out the socks and put the cold socks on your warm feet. Put a pair of thick, dry socks over those, and head straight to bed. Supposedly, the wet socks draw your blood to your feet making your circulation work more efficiently, and helping with congestion. I’m not sure I’ll try it because it sounds so off-the-wall.
I’m interested to hear in the comments. Tell me the weirdest cold remedies you’ve heard of.

Annie Lennox, where are you?

You know the old saying, “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself.” I’ve been wondering lately if that should be revised to “If you want something done at all you have to do it yourself.”

Frankly, mint

Someone gave me one of those little tins of mints today. Not as a hint, cheeky monkey; they were those novelty mints that say something silly or sarcastic, and have a fun shape or picture. Notice I’m not telling you what they were because it’s simply not your business.
Anyway, why are those mints so addictive? I ended up eating one after the other like popcorn. I ended up eating the entire tin. I’m either going to have the mintiest breath in Dread Falls or the worst stomach ache in demonic history.

Hold the malaise

The miserable weather recently has contributed to my malaise more than usual. They must be seeding the clouds with angst and trepidation. I feel like it may continue raining for the rest of my post life.

Rise and gargle… then shine

Early to bed, early to rise makes a girl bitter that she missed the evening hours. Being kissed by the morning sun isn’t as nice as it sounds. The sun’s got morning breath.

Ramble on the bleach

Let it be known: There is not much you can do with bleached hair. Just ask Gwen Stefani. Aside from a pink streak now and then, her hair is never going to be anything other than bleached blond. The bleach leaked through her follicles and into her brain affecting her music. It even caused her to go mainstream. Cleaned the talent right out of her head.
The moral: If you bleach your hair so light light that it can’t get any whiter, soon it’s going to be invisible. In other words, you’ll go bald.
Careful with that bleach, or you might want to put it in your eyes so you can’t see your hideous self.

Rain, rain go away - Don’t bother coming back

Does rain make your hair frizzy too? I have to keep my head in a plastic bag when it rains, but it sure makes it hard to breath. Anyone have a any suggestions?

You’ve goth to be kidding me

It has been mentioned to me that I might be Goth. Um, I don’t think so. I’m a demon, or a demoniac if you’re nasty. Goth is a label, and I don’t care for labels. It’s not that I have a problem with Goths. They’re usually friendly to me, and they’re delicious.
Apparently, (according to some nameless numskull) you might be goth if you think anything looks prettier dead than alive. I’m sure they were referring to flowers and poodles, which go without saying, are definitely much prettier dead than alive. But it’s not a universal rule. I mean, I’m not dead… I’m not alive either. Some like to say undead, but that’s just my sister’s definition. Some like to say reanimated, but that’s her dorky friend’s position. And of course, some don’t have all the parts that are required to define life (though I hear she likes to eat them).
Besides all this. If you don’t think I’m pretty as is, maybe you are the weird one. Or maybe you just want to die.

The plain, the plain.

I keep seeing people with uninspired, trendy tattoos. What’s with that? Don’t they know these things are permanent? You better really like any art you choose to put on your skin. A tribal razor wire band is not parachute pants. You can’t pretend you never wore it. Besides, getting something that all the other trendies have is plain and boring.
If you are going to get inked, why not try something that is near and dear to you? An image of something that is very important to you will mean so much more in the long run. Just make sure it’s something you feel a lifelong connection to. Don’t forget our tastes change. How would you explain to your chums that tat you sport of the snuggle bear you held when you were just a tot?

Examine your Automatic, Continous Clothing Closure

There are several patents for variations on the zipper with such commercially catchy names as Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure, Clasp Locker, Judson C-curity Fastener, and Separable Fastener. They date back to the late 19th century and early 20th century. Thank goodness the zipper was eventually perfected. Well maybe not perfected. Sometimes when I tell people to “Zip it,” I wish it was permanent. Maybe I should say, “Weld it!”

Pink instinct

They say girls and women who like pink tend to be maternal. What a load of bunk! I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love kids as much as anyone. They’re a lot less filling than adults.

The color of envy

Being an individual is as easy as being yourself. Don’t let the rules of any subculture or counterculture sway you do do anything you don’t want to do. Wear what you want, and do what you want. If you waste time and energy being the way others want you to be you never get to be yourself. Don’t listen to others if they call you a poser, either. Chances are, they are the real posers.
The bottom line is if you want pink hair but your friend thinks that’s too trendy they are probably jealous they didn’t think of it first. Be sensitive, and explain this to them. When they see it your way, offer to help them dye their hair pink. When it’s done you can laugh at them and call them trendy. Then dye your own hair green.

Pollen want a cracker

It’s annoying enough that we have to breath the pollen of all those ugly flowers; have you ever gotten pollen on your clothes? It's like leech flower with grappling hooks and spurs. If you run into the problem of getting pollen on your clothes don’t try to rub it off or put water on it. Use tape. Get a piece of tape, and carefully wrap it around your head so it covers your eyes. You won’t see the stain at all. This works for allergies too. Try covering your nose and mouth. It’s another solution to sneezing and runny nose.

Deoder rant

B.O. or body odor can be a real problem when you’re trying to quietly survive your commute on the metro. Hasn’t everyone heard of deodorant yet? How about a little consideration to those around you?
Fashion tip #697: When choosing to not shave the pits, and neglecting to cover up with a roll-on, solid stick or spray please, please, please don’t wear a tank top in the close confines of a standing-room-only train car.
Next time consider a rain coat because if I can’t manage to hold my breath until the next station my head might explode.

Bikini meeni miney mo

Beach weather is on its way. If you’re into wearing a bikini, it’s good to know a little about it. The first bikini was introduced in 1946. It was described as “a two-piece bathing suit that reveals everything about a girl except her mother’s maiden name.”
Considering the modest look of the early bikini compared to what you see today it’s no wonder identity theft is so rampant.

Slay fever

So many people have allergies right now. Post-nasal drip, itchy eyes, lungs filled with pollen — these are just a few of the tortures some have to go through. I’ve got a cure. Hold your head under water for the next three weeks. I guarantee you won’t sneeze once.