The plain, the plain.

I keep seeing people with uninspired, trendy tattoos. What’s with that? Don’t they know these things are permanent? You better really like any art you choose to put on your skin. A tribal razor wire band is not parachute pants. You can’t pretend you never wore it. Besides, getting something that all the other trendies have is plain and boring.
If you are going to get inked, why not try something that is near and dear to you? An image of something that is very important to you will mean so much more in the long run. Just make sure it’s something you feel a lifelong connection to. Don’t forget our tastes change. How would you explain to your chums that tat you sport of the snuggle bear you held when you were just a tot?

Examine your Automatic, Continous Clothing Closure

There are several patents for variations on the zipper with such commercially catchy names as Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure, Clasp Locker, Judson C-curity Fastener, and Separable Fastener. They date back to the late 19th century and early 20th century. Thank goodness the zipper was eventually perfected. Well maybe not perfected. Sometimes when I tell people to “Zip it,” I wish it was permanent. Maybe I should say, “Weld it!”

Pink instinct

They say girls and women who like pink tend to be maternal. What a load of bunk! I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love kids as much as anyone. They’re a lot less filling than adults.

The color of envy

Being an individual is as easy as being yourself. Don’t let the rules of any subculture or counterculture sway you do do anything you don’t want to do. Wear what you want, and do what you want. If you waste time and energy being the way others want you to be you never get to be yourself. Don’t listen to others if they call you a poser, either. Chances are, they are the real posers.
The bottom line is if you want pink hair but your friend thinks that’s too trendy they are probably jealous they didn’t think of it first. Be sensitive, and explain this to them. When they see it your way, offer to help them dye their hair pink. When it’s done you can laugh at them and call them trendy. Then dye your own hair green.

Pollen want a cracker

It’s annoying enough that we have to breath the pollen of all those ugly flowers; have you ever gotten pollen on your clothes? It's like leech flower with grappling hooks and spurs. If you run into the problem of getting pollen on your clothes don’t try to rub it off or put water on it. Use tape. Get a piece of tape, and carefully wrap it around your head so it covers your eyes. You won’t see the stain at all. This works for allergies too. Try covering your nose and mouth. It’s another solution to sneezing and runny nose.

Deoder rant

B.O. or body odor can be a real problem when you’re trying to quietly survive your commute on the metro. Hasn’t everyone heard of deodorant yet? How about a little consideration to those around you?
Fashion tip #697: When choosing to not shave the pits, and neglecting to cover up with a roll-on, solid stick or spray please, please, please don’t wear a tank top in the close confines of a standing-room-only train car.
Next time consider a rain coat because if I can’t manage to hold my breath until the next station my head might explode.

Bikini meeni miney mo

Beach weather is on its way. If you’re into wearing a bikini, it’s good to know a little about it. The first bikini was introduced in 1946. It was described as “a two-piece bathing suit that reveals everything about a girl except her mother’s maiden name.”
Considering the modest look of the early bikini compared to what you see today it’s no wonder identity theft is so rampant.

Slay fever

So many people have allergies right now. Post-nasal drip, itchy eyes, lungs filled with pollen — these are just a few of the tortures some have to go through. I’ve got a cure. Hold your head under water for the next three weeks. I guarantee you won’t sneeze once.

Dungeon know sun is bad?

Did you know that overexposure to the sun before the age of 18 is the most damaging to the skin? That’s why I believe that if you are not nocturnal you should be locked away in a closet. Then when you are 18 you can be transferred to a dungeon. Health and safety first, I always say.

Complexion convection

I just got back from a weekend in Flo-horror-da. Thank goodness for shade and air conditioning. I noticed everyone was tan as leather, and slaves of the weather. So in reminiscentia to being so close to the edge of purgatory, and being kissed by a cruel, smoochy sun — I give you this article I found on the history of tanning.
Be sure to shake some salt and pepper on your skin after you oil up. No sense in being bland just because you’re boring ;)

Showers are like negative calories

Here’s a cold, hard fact to give you the willies: Did you know that 10% of your body weight is from microorganisms living on your body? How about instead of putting down that dough-nut, you just take bath, you smelly pig.

Killer accents give you voice

I have a bit of fashion advice for anyone who wears a top that does not cover their neck. Especially if the neckline is quite low, you’ll need to accessorize. Try wearing an old ribbon or collar. Even a silver choker, or black fabric works. Spikes and leather are cool too. The bottom line is your neck should never be exposed to possible vampire attacks. Ribbons are also good for covering the stitches where your head was sewn back on.

On the blink

The average human blinks around 6 million times a year. Unless their eyes are held open with clothes pins. Then the number is significantly lower.

Frog leg massacre

In Egypt and Rome 3000 years ago hair dyes were made from cows’ blood, and from crushed tadpoles in warm oil. How naive is that? They didn’t even bother waiting for the frogs to grow up when they have much more blood.

Demonic nasal drip

Piercings are nothing new. For centuries the ears, nose, and belly have been pierced for superstitious reasons. It was thought that piercings released demons from the body. I once fell out of someone’s nose, but landed right back in their belly.

Return of the living dyed

When dying your hair be aware that red can be the most fussy color. Not only does it fade the easiest, but it can be the hardest to get out. Don’t try to do it yourself when you move to another color or the red may keep coming back. Go to your stylist or hairdresser. Many are also registered and qualified to perform exorcisms.

Cornish humor

My favorite hat, the “Pork Pie” hat originated some time in the mid 1800’s. It was named for the resemblance to a pork pie which is a type of meat pie that is a staple of British food. Americans have a similar pie. They call it a pot pie, of which the “chicken pot pie” is most popular. I bet the pork pie hat wouldn’t be so popular if it was called the chicken pot pie hat.

The stocking market is not on Wall Street

Nylon stockings were invented in 1938, but they didn’t go up for sale until 1940. You’d think someone would have bought them by now.

Ash Wednesday

When looking for hair dye, check the ingredients. Don’t use a dye with “ash” in it. You’ll end up with an unnatural gray tint. Besides, you don’t know whose ashes they are.

Nutty hair colors

Ancient Romans had as many as 100 different formulas of hair dye. Some of these formulas used charred eggs, leeches and walnut shells. Walnut shells are still used to this day in modern formulas. This brings me to the question: Who decided it was a good idea to dye pistachio shells red? And how do they make that dye?
I’m always wondering how to make this dye, and how to make that dye ;)

Silly, um… cilium

Seena Owen

False eyelashes were invented for producer D.W. Griffith. He wanted something to enhance Seena Owen’s eyes for his 1916 film, Intolerance. A bit of irony there? I guess sometimes through narrow-mindedness, we can still achieve innovation worth appreciating.

One heart and lung sandwich, hold the breath

A girl’s left lung is smaller than her right lung to make room for her heart. The lung thing goes the same for boys, but apparently it’s for no reason whatsoever.

What’s the gray matter, baby?

The left side of a girl’s brain controls the right side of her body & vice-versa. So keep your eyes on her brain, or you could get a smack from either direction.

Snooty is only skin deep

People keep calling me snarky. They have weird accents, though. It’s pronounced prit-ē. P-R-E-T-T-Y.

Vascular system or hollow container

Girl’s bodies contain about 50,000 miles of blood vessels. This goes for boys as well, but none of them go the their brains.