Snake venom botox

Snake venom: The budget alternative to Botox? Are you kidding me?

I love how this article plants a nice, big picture of someone being injected with Botox (obviously a model for Botox PR). The snake venom cream isn’t injected, it’s applied.

And how about this: “The £6 tubes of Lacura Wrinkle Stop contain a compound called Syn-Ake, which mimics the snake's paralysing venom. It promises to block the nerve signals which cause facial muscles to contract and can lead to lines… The new moisturiser will be stocked in Aldi stores from April 20.”
It reads like an advertisement!

Just send your press release to whatever product you’re selling. The Telegraph will publish it.

Wrinkles in time

You might be young now, but watch out for the sun. It will age you in time. It’s great if you start using some kind of sunblock early. You want to look young for as long as you can — especially if you are immortal like me. 90% of wrinkles are caused by ultra-violet exposure from the sun. The other 10% of wrinkles are caused by lazy people who sit in the dryer too long before folding.

Avoid the squeeze and pop

Remember, people! Acne brand pimples should never be pinched, picked or squeezed. Feel free to pinch, pick or squeeze your butt, but please keep your hands away from those pimples! They are like weeds in your garden with alien roots.

Dungeon know sun is bad?

Did you know that overexposure to the sun before the age of 18 is the most damaging to the skin? That’s why I believe that if you are not nocturnal you should be locked away in a closet. Then when you are 18 you can be transferred to a dungeon. Health and safety first, I always say.

Complexion convection

I just got back from a weekend in Flo-horror-da. Thank goodness for shade and air conditioning. I noticed everyone was tan as leather, and slaves of the weather. So in reminiscentia to being so close to the edge of purgatory, and being kissed by a cruel, smoochy sun — I give you this article I found on the history of tanning.
Be sure to shake some salt and pepper on your skin after you oil up. No sense in being bland just because you’re boring ;)